Last night I met an ambulance trying to cross the traffic jam in Cinere. The sirene roared and startled me out of nowhere.
Why does everytime I hear the sound of ambulance’s siren I always feel uneasy? It will suddenly ring me back to November 3rd, 2000.
Yes, it was the time when I had to wait for an ambulance who’d bring my dad to hospital. He was almost unconcious, breathing heavily and felt so hot. So, my mum decided to call an ambulance since my brother wasn’t home either.
So, there I was, waiting for the ambulance in my car with anxiety and hoping that my dad would be alright. And when at last the ambulance showed up, I had to make the security to open the portal to let the ambulance got inside our housing neighbourhood.
That night we walked into the hospital and accompanied my unconcious dad. The doctor said that he had to stay in ICU for perhaps couple of nights. That night I also tried to call my boyfriend and received unexpected response. I only needed his support by visiting me at the hospital, but he just wouldn’t come for unknown reason. So, that night I tried to be the best companion to my mum who looked so worried about my dad.
My dad spent a week in hospital. Doctor diagnosed that he had pneumonia. It was about 1 month before that my dad suffered from heavy sputum cough. Mum only gave an expectorant who usually worked on that type of cough. But somehow my dad couldn’t expectorate the phlegm and so it stayed and at last it caused the pneumonia.
During dad’s stay in ICU, mum spent nights in ICU and slept on the couch. The couch was a big accomodation for us because I also felt how tiring it was trying to sleep in a cold room while waiting any bad or good news from the ICU room. So, sometimes my brother would replace me to accompany mum spending a night in hospital.
It was a big dissappointment to our family with one of the nurse’s service in such a big hospital. We got this story from another ICU patient’ companion who watched how the nurse treated my dad badly.
So, about day 2 or 3, dad had regained his conciousness and doctor said that we could move him to another room. We received the news in the noon happily. But somehow, in the afternoon, my dad lost again in his unconcious state. We was wondering why and what happened, but no satisfying reason explained.
But then someone shared a story to my brother. So, when my dad came to concious, the nurse tried to do something on him, but she got roughly refused. It made the nurse mad and she didn’t replace my dad’s infusion liquid although it was already empty. When the doctor found out, the nurse was scolded but my dad’s condition already dropped again.
Gosh, we were so mad, to the nurse for treating an old man like that and to the doctor for not telling us the truth. But my mum said that we all should take it easy, “Let it be God who pays for what the nurse had done,”. So, we were calming down.
Dad’s condition was up and down for the whole week. And on Friday, November 10th, his birth date, I came to visit him. I remember, I was holding his left hand and telling him these words, “Pa, please wake up and get well soon. Don’t leave me, your only daughter. Don’t you want to be the one who will give me to my future husband? I promise to be a good girl, finish my school next year and get the degree as pharmacist. Please!”.
Just after I said those words, I saw tears falling down from his closed eyes. “Oh Pa! Please wake up! Only you who really love me. I mean Ma also loves me, but I always know that I was you favorite and my first brother was Ma’s. Please Pa!”.
That Friday, mum, who showed up later on, and me spent the afternoon next to my father. Doctor said that my dad was getting so much better and maybe we could remove him to regular room. Some of my aunties, from dad’s side and mum’s side, who especially came to Jakarta to visit him, prayed next to his bed with mum. Gee, mum looked so tired but I know she still could manage with the situation. Bravo mum! (that’s why I admire mum so much, always stay calm in difficult situation)
I didn’t know it was coincidence or faith, but that day all of our family members were present. My first brother and his wife; my second brothers, his wife and son (the 1st grandchild in our family, the only one whose ever been hugged and adored by my father); my third brother and me. Complete!
That Friday night, it was my second brother’s turn to watch out for my father. The others fell asleep in our home. I remember, it was about 02 .00 AM in the morning when the phone rang. My second brother called and he only said, “You guys, quick! Wake up mom and go to hospital right now! I think Dad is in critical condition,”. We were shocked! How come? He looked better this evening, right? Why?
We arrived in hospital 20 minutes later and were rushed into the Emergency Room. When I was inside and stood on the tip of the bed, I saw that Dad was already heavily breathing. Mum got to the side of my father and held his hand, then she said, “Dad, I’m here. Everyone’s here too! Didin, Yayan, Astra, Uke. Dad, if it is your time to leave us, then go ahead. I have no regret all these years for being your wife and are willingly to let you go in peace. All your sins are forgiven. Don’t you worry about me.”
Dad is still heavily breathing. One by one we spoke to him about our willingness to let him go back to God’s lap. But somehow he was still waiting for something, to be said or to be done. So, my first brother at last walked into his side again and said, “Dad, if you’re worried about mum, I promise you that I will guard her. And about Uke, I also promise you that I will be her marriage guardian and take care any matters. I will also help mum so Uke can finish her college.”
After hearing what my first brother had promised, father seemed relieve. Just in few seconds later, God took his life silently and let him rest in peace. He looked fall in deep sleep. None of use was crying. One by one walked out from the Emergency room, waiting for the doctor and nurses to take care of his body. And exactly on 04.30 AM, his cleaned and dressed body got out to the hospital ambulance. All of us went home with my late father, precisely 1 week after we got him to the hospital.
My father’s body was resided in the living room, covered with sarong from shoulder to toe. His face was covered with transparent fabric. I sat next to his body, prayed with Yaasin once and suddenly I cried. Not loud. I talked to him and was asking for his forgiveness for not being a good daughter, for being too busy, for everything had done which didn’t make him proud. I cried for half an hour and then took a bath, prayed and got dress.
When the morning came, more and more people came to our house. Families, neighbours and dad’ friends. I spent all morning in the my room, along with my sisters in law. Funny and touching thing happened in the living room. My only nephew at that time, Aji, who was only 3.5 years, climbed up my father’s body and said innocently, “Aki, aki, wake up! Why did you sleep now? Play with me on shaking chair like usual,”. All of the mouners laughed while wiping their tears away.
About 11.00 PM, I was called out of the room. It’s about time to wash and clean my father’s body. Only his children could see and allow to wash his body. Even spouse was not allowed to see. We cleaned up his body being guided by ustadz. After all cleaned up, my father’s body was dressed in winding sheet as regulated by Islam. Untill all the ritual completed, we brought our father’s body for funeral. But before that, we dropped by in Mesjid Raya Cinere to pray for him. Gee, my father’s face didn’t even look pale. He looked alike he was just falling asleep. Amazing!
On 02.00 PM, all of my brothers waited inside the grave hole to receive father’s body being lifted down. I arrived a little bit late to watch this process because I was in my friend’s car and we were trapped in traffic jam. My biggest disappointment at the day my father died was my boyfriend could not accompany me. He didn’t even take one day leave for the saddest moment in my life. A boyfriend to whom at last I got married.
None of us were crying, not even my mum. We all were willingly to let him go and rest in peace. Besides, our religion prohibits us from cyring extemely on someone who passes away. Good bye Dad! We love you so! May God put you in the best place next to him. We knew you’ve done many good deeds which will always be our righteous guide through life.
(A post written in memoriam of my father who passed away on November 11, 2000. It is almost 8 years since you went to a place where in the end all humans will go. I miss you Dad!)
A song which reminds me of my father, “Can’t cry hard enough”.
I’m gonna live my life
Like every day’s the last
Without a simple goodbye
It all goes by so fastAnd now that you’ve gone
I can’t cry hard enough
No, I can’t cry hard enough
For you to hear me now
Gonna open my eyes
And see for the first time
I let go of you like
A child letting go of his kite
There it goes, up in the sky
There it goes, beyond the clouds
For no reason why
I can’t cry hard enough
No, I can’t cry hard enough
For you to hear me now
Gonna look back in vain
And see you standing there
When all that remains
Is an empty chair
And now that you’ve gone
I can’t cry hard enough
No, I can’t cry hard enough
For you to hear me now
There it goes, up in the sky
There it goes, beyond the clouds
For no reason why
I can’t cry hard enough
No, I can’t cry hard enough
For you to hear me now
And now that you’ve gone
I can’t cry hard enough
No, I can’t cry hard enough
For you to hear me now
(this post was moved out from my previous blog)
